Maybe some people come into our lives to inspire magic, enchant our days and accidentally wreak havoc. They are like massive storms unfurling in our tiny little spaces.
She was one of those.
When we started disintegrating and untangling the separation was messy, vicious and needlessly drawn out. I’m still reeling from the fight. I’m not proud of half of what I said but I’d still stand by it. Most, if not all of it had to be said. Could the phrasing have been different? I honestly don’t know. That ship has already sailed and with it a whole lot of the sanity that checked our interactions. It’s a full-blown war now, slashing at everything in sight, taking no prisoners simply going for unprecedented damage.
I’m writing this because of her. There’s a whole playlist on my YouTube profile named after her, it reads penguin vibes. It’s a collection of songs she sent me and the ones that most forcefully distill the essence of who we were. There’s a funny phenomenon that plagues my romantic endeavors; officially single but informally engaged and collecting character development from babes in this country like a collector of heartbreak and incomplete projects. We could say I walked into this hall prepared for a grand adventure.
This time round I went all out, asked the babe out on a few dates, then told her that I was looking for a girlfriend. She didn’t say no. She also didn’t say yes. In her own words, she wanted the ability to leave and come back at a later time. She argued that labels would have only made things needlessly complicated. This should have made me run, but I didn’t. I’m here to tell you, even without labels heartbreak still packs a punch. I’m sore, bruised, thrown off kilter and maybe a little bit remorseful. She did inject magic into my days. She saw me. She knew how to make me swoon. She’d leave beautiful notes in my space. She’d tell me about poems and songs that struck her fancy. She’d send me reels, Tiktoks, dark jokes and long furious text messages. I should have written something while she was still around. She still is around, just not invested. She’s withdrawn her affection. Closed off her attention and given me the old shove to the side.
She had taken to asking me if I saw myself ending up with her. I never answered not because I was avoidant but because I have resigned myself to the designs of fate and saying yes would have meant that I believed in predetermination. But I should have said yes, I saw myself ending up with her. Maybe she’d still be around. Who am I kidding, this thing was doomed from the very start. Not because we didn’t want it but because nature conspired to rob us.
I have agonised over this because recollections are always messy and the one telling the story gets to sway opinion. This isn’t always a bad thing, but it is cause for worry. Before I digress, as I always do, I want to tie this up with something she sent to me. It’s a video from the show Afterlife starring Ricky Gervais. I’ll let you watch the video here https://photos.app.goo.gl/AGhnHFcYm4YpjxUL7
Title inspired by the Tom Odell song which you can watch here https://youtu.be/MwpMEbgC7DA?si=nvbkRRiUOTz62PuJ
Nzioka Mutua 